Harry Pothead and the Druggie's Stone
by hdude77
Summary: Harry Pothead is invited to HogthePot school for Pot smoking and Pottery. This is a VERY funny story and is worth the reading. Chapter 4 is added *whipes forehead* it's a good one :D okay, well READ!
1. Default Chapter

Note: This uses bad language and LOTS of drug references. It sort of insults Harry Potter, even though I DO like the books, and the movie was pretty good. So you have been warned.  
  
  
  
Harry Pothead and the Druggie's Stone  
  
  
  
1 Harry Pothead was sitting in his space below the stairs like usual. He twirled a pack of cigarettes in his fingers and then quickly pulled one out. He stuck it up to his mouth and lit it. His eyes drooped and the corners of his mouth curved upward. He loved cigarettes more than anything, but Aunt petunia always made him smoke Marlboro lights. He hated those friggen things and wanted the real shit. The smoke from the cigarette puffed out the vent of his staircase bedroom. "Harry, the marijuana plant needs watering" He heard aunt petunia saying. He stuck the cigarette in the ashtray along with the millions of others he had. He opened the door leading to the living room and shuddered at the smell of clean, non-tar infested air. He walked to the kitchen and was greeted by the wonderful smell of marijuana smoke. He smiled and walked to the windowsill and watered the marijuana plant. Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and Dudley were all sitting at the table smoking joints.  
  
"No WAY, monkeys are purple DUDE, I fucked one last night." Uncle Vernon said slowly  
  
"Dad!" Dudley started "that was my monkey you bastard, and it's rainbow!"  
  
"No way DUDE! BIRDS!" Uncle Vernon said. They all laughed. Harry was green with envy, oh how he wanted to smoke a joint. Oh how he longed for it.  
  
"Oh yeah, Larry." Uncle Vernon started.  
  
"It's Mary, MAN, MARY!" Aunt Petunia coughed in.  
  
"Whatever! DUDE, you got a letter today saying you got accepted into Hogthepot, school for pot smokers and pottery." Uncle Vernon said as he took another puff of the joint. Harry's eyes light up. Wait no. They became red from all the smoke, never mind, but he was still happy. Uncle Vernon then pulled a piece of paper out from his pants. "Here's the supply list. Go somewhere and get the SHIT. Here's some money." Uncle Vernon handed him a 100-dollar bill and the piece of paper. Harry read it.  
  
10 packs of cigarettes  
  
1 "How to smoke" book  
  
1 keg of beer  
  
1 case of "don't looked stoned" supplies  
  
your choice of either marijuana plant, marijuana plant, or SHIT  
  
see you when you get here.  
  
In order to get here JUST FLY with your mind. Oh shit, I'm stoned again never mind, ask the people for platform "pot for three quarters."  
  
"Uncle Vernon" Harry started "I'm going to need more than 100 dollars, you know the drug dealers charge at least 1000 for a marijuana plant."  
  
"SHIT, why do you need money DUDE? Oh well get some of the SHIT off my desk. Make sure you sniff it for particles of crack first before you spend it." Uncle Vernon replied. Harry ran to his desk and got 5000 dollars. He caught a taxi and went downtown. He told the taxi driver to stop when he saw a sign saying "Drug dealers ally" He jumped out and walked up to different druggies and got his supplies. He took the taxi to the train station, paid the man and looked for platform "pot for three quarters" he saw a sign that said "pot for three quarters" and ran towards it. He wondered how to get to the train though. He saw a family with red eyes and knew they must be going where he was. He followed them and heard them ask a man standing behind a table for pot that cost one thousand dollars. He opened the door for them and they entered. He went up and asked for the extremely expensive pot too. He was also let through. He walked down a long corridor until he finally reached the "train" it was a LONG cigarette with a door on the side and was on wheels. He walked in and sat down. A few moments after he sat down the kid he saw earlier stopped beside him.  
  
"HEY DUDE, MIND IF I SIT HERE?" he asked. Harry scooted over.  
  
"No." Harry answered. The cigarette then started moving. Once it was moving for a while a lady came by pushing a cart.  
  
"Want anything?" she asked.  
  
"Oh no, I'm already stoned!" Ron, the boy, stated.  
  
"I'll have the works." Harry stated and handed her a 100. She handed him chocolate covered pot, pot flavored beans, and other SHIT. He smoked the chocolate flavored pot and was in heaven. He looked at the card that was in the box and noticed it was a picture of Hogthepot's principle, Smokesomemore. Hey! You're the famous Harry Pothead aren't you? Do you have the T on your forehead? Harry moved his hair out of the way and showed a T, which stood for Truth. When he was a boy he was attacked by the leader of Truth, Voldermort, who attacked him with his package of eyeballs. He was the only one not to get turned off drugs that was attacked by him, and so he wears the scar.  
  
Suddenly a girl stumbled into Harry's lap and he got.. Well... happy... ANYWAY. She grabbed his crotch and pushed herself up.  
  
"HI!" She shouted. "I AM HERMIONE. I'm sorry I'm so weird, BUT THERE'S A VIBRATOR IN MY PANTS! I got it yesterday! HAHAHAHA OH SHIT!" she screamed and went running down the main aisle of the cigarette. The cigarette slowed down and stopped. They all got off the cigarette and were greeted by a pink elephant.. Harry thinks.. He was stoned so.. I think they were greeted by a man.. I THINK.. DON'T SUE ME! Okay anyway. The elephant called for first years and they went on boats toward the smoking building ahead of them. They all got off the boats and walked up the staircase following professor McSmokeall.  
  
"I'll be right back!" She said and walked off.  
  
"So it's true, Harry Pothead has come to Hogthepot?" Malfoy said. He was a stupid little kid who had testicular cancer twice, so has nothing left.  
  
"Ha, NO SHIT!" Hermione said.  
  
"FUCK YOU!" Malfoy snapped back  
  
"Okay!" Hermione said.  
  
"I'm gay!" Malfoy shouted back.  
  
"Oh crap, never mind." She said. Professor McSmokeall returned.  
  
"Follow me to the Potting hat." She said. Everyone followed her. They walked through an AMAZING room where everyone was sitting at tables. Cans of beer floated in the air with holes in them so they twirled around soaking everyone with Bud wiser. As they approached the hat they heard 3 people say.  
  
"I'm"  
  
"Hi"  
  
"Er" Everyone started laughing and couldn't stop for 3 hours. Okay, so anyway when they stopped Professor McSmokeall started to speak.  
  
"Dilbert" She called. Dilbert walked up and put on the hat.  
  
"Heh, you do not have the power of the DRUGS man! WINDOW!" The hat shouted. So the hat was removed and he was thrown through the window to his death.  
  
"Hermione."  
  
"ADDICTED" the hat shouted. So she went to the tables.  
  
"Ron"  
  
"ADDICTED  
  
"Ploop"  
  
"WINDOW"  
  
"Harry Pothead"  
  
"mm, you are SO ADDICTED, you have GREAT potential! ADDICTED!"  
  
"Malfoy"  
  
"ADDICTED" anyway, there were more people, but I'm too lazy to write them all in.  
  
Smokesomemore stood up and shouted "LET THE DRUGGING BEGIN" suddenly all brands of drugs, and all types of drugs appeared on table in front of them. They started.  
  
When everyone was done they all staggered around the school and all fainted everywhere.  
  
When they woke up they had serious hangovers so just slept all day  
  
The next day it was time for class, but they didn't want to so they didn't go to class.  
  
The next day they went to their first glass with Professor McSmokeall and when they entered late, they were rewarded with A's.  
  
"Okay" Professor said, "you take the cigarette, AND PUFF AND BREATHE AND PUFF AND BREATHE AND PUFF AND BREATHE AND PUFF AND BREATHE."  
  
They then went to the next class, flying lessons. They arrived in a field and the teacher staggered in.  
  
"Welcome to your first flying lessons." She said. "Now pick up your back of powder while screaming UP!"  
  
"UP!" everyone screamed and picked up the bag.  
  
"Good, now sniff it as hard as you can" She said. Everyone did and all flew HIGHER than the birds (but you know, hi on drugs, they didn't really fly). Wow was that ever-CRAZY stuff.  
  
Professor McSmokeall saw how well Harry Pothead was doing with controlling his actions. She ran down and got him and told him he should be in the Crackish Games. The first game is in 5 seconds, so he should go to the field. She smacked his ass and pushed him foreword. Harry went into his right dressing room.  
  
"Welcome Harry Pothead!" The dude said. "Okay here's how it works. They make us sniff the flying stuff and the first one to touch a member of the other team wins. Oh yeah, they also make us strip naked to laugh at our retarded actions." They whistle blew so they tossed of their clothes and walked into the field. They picked up their crack bags and snorted the stuff. Their vision tripled and they wondered around, falling over. Everyone in the audience ROARED with laughter. Harry started singing the Antarctica national anthem, even though he had never actually heard it. He saw something in the distance and walked toward it. He grabbed a hold of it and started rubbing it up and down. In real life, though he was grabbing Smokesomemore's crotch. Everyone laughed and Smokesomemore smiled. While this was happening Joey was sneaking up on Harry and was right behind him. Harry suddenly felt sick and fell backwards, he felt something go up his ass, but he just smiled for he had won the game.  
  
So the year went on like this for the rest of the year. Until one day when Harry was in Squirrel's classroom. After everyone left he closed the door and smiled at Harry, who was still there. He unwrapped his turban and turned around. Voldermort was there.  
  
"You're drug addiction was more than I can handle AND LOOK AT ME! Now, you have the druggies stone, the stone I want that when I have control I can get my body back because it goes with the plot, and I can control all the druggies and stop them from doing DRUGS! AHAHAHA! Now you have the stone, it's in your kidneys, NOW GIVE IT TO ME! Harry pothead felt his pocket and felt a bag of crack he was practicing with in Crackish. He threw it at Squirrel who fell over and in his last breath screamed, "YOU'RE GOING TO GET CANCER" before he dissolved.  
  
The year was over and not much happened. And so he got back on the cigarette and went back home.  
  
  
  
  
  
Thanks for reading. Please let me know if I should parody the second one. 


	2. Harry Pothead, A Druggie has Secrets

Harry Pothead, A Druggie has Secrets  
  
  
  
Harry Pothead was sitting in his room underneath the stairs and practicing his "join rolling" for school. He was so happy because he would soon be able to return to Hogthepot school for Pot smoking and pottery. He wasn't allowed to do drugs at home, Aunt petunia made it forbidden. Suddenly he heard a noise from under his bead. He looked underneath his bed and saw a small elf with huge red eyes. "What's your name?" Harry asked.  
  
"WOAH DON'T SHOUT" he screamed.  
  
"Shhh!" Harry whispered back. "Don't act high, or they'll think I've been smoking."  
  
"Well then PURPLE GIRAFFE!" He screamed. "Oh crap, I came here to tell you something, but I FORGOT. So FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!" He then ran around screaming and ran into a wall and was knocked out cold.  
  
"Harry? Harry are you smoking?" he heard from the kitchen.  
  
"No Sexy mama!" He replied. That is what Aunt petunia wanted him to call her from now often.  
  
"You sure?" Uncle Vernon asked.  
  
"Yes, my cute muscle man." He shuddered. That's what Uncle Vernon wanted him to call him from now on too. He turned back to roll some more joints when he saw Ron's face in the window with huge red eyes. He was making faces and making out with the window. Harry ran over to the window and flung it open. Ron's head fell in and Ron laughed and grabbed Harry's crotch.  
  
"It feels so good, baby," He said.  
  
"Harry! Harry, you're stoned aren't you?" Sexy Mama said. Harry could hear footsteps coming down the hall. Harry jumped out the window and noticed Ron's brother sitting in the car stoned too. He jumped in the back and so did Ron. Ron's brother started driving away.  
  
"Joint?" He handed one back to Harry who grabbed it and started smoking it.  
  
"I'M NAKED!" Ron said as he stood up without any clothes on. Harry, who was now stoned too, stood up and took off all of his clothes.  
  
"Me TOO!" he shouted as he and Ron were standing up in the back seat naked. Suddenly the car hit a bump and they both fell. Ron fell onto Harry and they lied there on top of each other. "Heh, Ron, that feels good!" He said.  
  
"I know." Ron replied. They started making out. Ron's brother was in the front seat laughing hysterically. Suddenly they heard a thump and saw that Hermione was sitting in the front seat.  
  
"How'd you get here?" Ron asked looking up from his "work".  
  
"I jumped from the bridge above you. I was trying to commit suicide, but OKAY. ANYWAY, I have my vibus 2000 in my pants right now. AND IT FEELS SO GOOD, mind if I join you back there?" She asked quickly.  
  
"No." Ron and Harry said together. Hermione crawled into the back and took off her clothes and joined in. The car was driving beside a School bus of young elementary kids who opened their windows are laughing at them.  
  
"Hey" Ron's brother said. "Why don't you join them?" So the kids jumped out of the windows one by one and joined the HUGE orgy in the back seat. Suddenly a Bird flew overhead and one of the kids grabbed it and made it join in. An old couple who were driving by stared in delight at the sight they saw. "Okay" Ron's brother said. "We're nearing the 'No non-smoker's zone of the school' we have to kick them out." So they threw all the kids and the bird out of the car while still driving. They then arrived at the school and ran through the halls naked. They then dressed up and went into the smoking lounge and watched the first years get sorted. Hermione and a whole lot of other girls were dancing in the raining beer in white bras.  
  
"Let the drugging begin!" Smokesomemore said. Again they injected themselves with heroin and other drugs.  
  
After this they went back to their dorms and not much happened until Christmas, the Final game of 'Crackish'.  
  
Harry was in the locker room, naked, and ready to go along with everyone else, when he noticed the captain didn't have any.. Yeah.  
  
"What happened?" he asked and pointed to it.  
  
"I got it bitten off 2 years ago. I miss it a lot though!" He said rubbing himself. Harry cringed.  
  
They heard a whistle and then walked out into the small field. They were playing Malfoy's team. Harry saw him without his family jewels and was staring at his 'area' smiling. Harry covered himself up. They all picked up their bags of crack, snorted it and got high. Harry saw someone in the distance and started walking towards him or her. Suddenly he felt something sucking on him, he looked down and sure enough it was Malfoy. They had lost the game. OH WELL, anyway.  
  
Not much happened the rest of the year, except some stuff, which isn't important. So as they were packing in their dorms, Ron was looking at Harry.  
  
"Harry." He said. "I have something to tell you. I LOVE YOU!" He screamed. "Want to have some fun before we leave each other." Of course, Harry, who is not gay, was high at the time and just said yes, so Ron had his fun. So anyway. They boarded the Cigarette and left Hogthepot and waited until next year.  
  
  
  
Okay, that was REALLY bad, I know, but anyway, that was toward the people who like either gay jokes, or sex jokes. Anyway, as you know I like using "druggie" in the title, so every title will have Druggie in it, just as a ritual :D I'll be writing the 3rd really soon, Harry Pothead and the Druggie from Azkaban. :D okay anyway, read some other of my stories while waiting. 


	3. Harry Pothead and the non-Druggie from A...

1 Harry Pothead and a non-druggie from Afghanistan  
  
  
  
Harry Pothead was sitting under his stairs again (He does this a lot doesn't he?) and injecting heroin into his arm. The room began to spin around and he just laughed.  
  
After his heroin high he wanted to see what the rest of the family was up to, so he went into the living room and they were just sitting quietly on the couch.  
  
"Whoa, not on drugs today or something?" He asked. No answer. He got mad at the silence and threw a block of cheese at Aunt Petunia who just fell onto the floor.  
  
He went and punched Uncle Vernon who just fell over so that his head was in Dudley's lap. He was rather curious as to what was going on. He checked their pulses and felt that they were dead. They had died from drug overdoses. A strange facial expression came onto Harry's face. His lips puffed out and then he jumped up screaming with joy, ran out of the house, and ran into a tree, which knocked him out cold.  
  
48 hours later, he woke up and found himself on a bus full of crack snorting, pot smoking Hippies.  
  
"Wow!" He exclaimed, "Got pot?"  
  
"Yeah DUDE!" the hippie said and handed him some pot.  
  
"This is the REAL shit!" Harry said.  
  
"Okay Harry, we're arriving at you school, Hogthepot. Now you be careful, we have word someone has come here from Afghanistan and doesn't smoke pot! Say, isn't this a great Idea for a plot?"  
  
"I'll say!" Harry agreed. "Bye Mr. Hippie!"  
  
"Bye!" The hippie replied. 3 seconds later he fell down dead.  
  
Harry turned away from the bus and saw Ron humping a black dog.  
  
"Ron!" he screamed. "Stop giving that dog pleasure!"  
  
"But if feels so good!" Ron complained.  
  
"Shut up and get your clothes on!"  
  
"Fine." he sighed. So they started walking toward Hogthepot. They walked in and walked into the dining hall and saw the beer cans twirling and the girls (plus Hermione) dancing in bras on the tables. The first years came in, got seated and Smokesomemore greeted them.  
  
"Welcome back, I have a very important announcement to make. There is someone around here from Afghanistan who doesn't like drugs. He is dangerous to all of you because he might stop your addiction. We're bringing in drug dealers to guard the school." All the drug dealers came in and immediately started selling drugs to the students. "Anyway, LET THE DRUGGING BEGIN!" All the students have more drugs like usual and stuff and then went up to the dorms. Ron, Harry, and Hermione all had an orgy in the common room, and people that happened to walk by couldn't help but join in.  
  
One day, Harry was playing Crackish when he fainted; someone had put too much crack in the bag. When Harry woke up he was in the stomach pumping/hospital wing of Hogthepot. He was cured after 2 days but he knew something was wrong, and the person from Afghanistan was somewhere near by.  
  
Christmas came and he got more drugs and stuff, like usual. Malfoy got a pair of prosthetic testacies to help him out with his sexual life at gay bars. Anyway, Christmas passed and it was 1 week before the end of school when Harry saw the dog run somewhere strange. Harry followed it for miles and followed it all the way to an abandoned house. He entered and followed the dog into a bedroom, where the dog lied down on the bed and suddenly became aware of Harry's presence. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye the dog turned into a strange man.  
  
"Say!" Harry started. "You're Osama Bin Laden!"  
  
"Yes." He replied.  
  
"Wait. that means Ron actually Fucked you!!!"  
  
"Yeah" Osama's eyes went all dreamy like.  
  
"Anyway, Harry Pothead, I have something to tell you.." He breathed heavily. "Sorry I'm wheezing, but after spending so much time in a cave you would too. ANYWAY, Harry Pothead." He breathed loudly. "I am your father!" Harry stood stunned.  
  
"No way! If that's true then tell me why my name is Harry."  
  
"Okay, It's because you have a forest of pubic hair."  
  
"Oh my, THAT'S RIGHT!"  
  
"mmhmm"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed.  
  
"What?!" Osama asked  
  
"Ron screwed my father! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"Ah, Ron!" His eyes went all dreamy like again.  
  
"But I don't want you to be my father after all the people you've killed!" Harry said.  
  
"But." Osama started. Suddenly a plane crashed into the house only Killing Osama Bin Laden and leaving Harry un-touched.  
  
"HA HA!" Harry pointed and laughed.  
  
The week went by fast and the last day of school Britney spears stopped by and screwed every boy (and the Hermione) because she's a slut. Everyone enjoyed this treat, even Ron who became straight again (strangely). They then went back to their homes and waited for the next year.  
  
  
  
  
  
Authors Note: Okay, I know that didn't have much of a plot, but at least it had a small scraping of a plot. Anyway, I would like to thank Steven for help on ideas, thanks Steven. I would also like to let everyone out there know that I will have the 4th one posted on Monday at 7:00 eastern time. I do not have it written yet, but I will try as hard as I can to get it done. Thank you for reading. If you need to contact me, I can be reached at Hdude77@hotmail.com thanks 


	4. Harry Pothead, the Druggie's on fire!

Author's Note: Okay I have a long authors note here because I have a few points to make. First of all I am SO sorry about the delay, but here's what happened. I wrote most of this story free hand (on paper) and I was finishing it, and editing it and stuff in my Latin 2 class when the teacher came up from behind me and snatched it from my desk and said "thank you, (my name) for giving me some reading material. I look forward to reading it. And because of your behavior the entire class will have to translate this entire story for homework, due tomorrow" (this was on Monday) now, besides being totally embarrassed from the event my entire class now hates me, I had TONS of homework so I couldn't put it up, and I was about to be in HUGE trouble when she reads it (because, once you read this you'll know why I was freaking out) so I was shaking the rest of the day, and at lunch told my friend, Erin, what happened. So because she has Latin 1 third hour (after lunch) she went and got it back for me without her reading it. THANK YOU ERIN. Now but because of homework I couldn't post it, but that was that dilemma. Also, If you have had your daily dose of pervertedness today, wait a bit to read this, it contains 50203950203% of your daily value of pervert. Anyway. So this chapter goes out to 4 people. One - Erin for getting my story back. Two - you guys for actually reading this far. Three - My friend Steven who was pre-reading this in P.E. and Four - my bitchy latin teacher who totally stressed me out by reading this. Thank you for reading this long Author's note, and I hope you enjoy. HARRY POTHEAD, THE DRUGGIE'S ON FIRE!  
  
  
  
Harry Pothead, the Druggie's on fire!  
  
Harry Pothead was sitting below his stairs yet again, but not smoking this time, instead he was unconscious, suddenly, Uncle Vernon's zombie came bustling into his stairs and punched Harry, waking him up.  
  
"You, what up Uncle V? what up BAYBEE?!" Harry said half consciously.  
  
"Don't give me your sweet tongue you little bastard!"  
  
"If I was giving you sweet tongue we'd both be on the bed naked like we were when.."  
  
"SHUT UP! Dudley's in the hospital with cancer!"  
  
"Well he sort of did die.."  
  
"SHUT UP! We're done with DRUGS! Uncle Vernon said. Suddenly Uncle Vernon fell over and landed with his face in Harry's lap. Harry looked up to see Ron standing there with the goblet of fire in his hand.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed."  
  
"What?!" Ron panicked.  
  
"Nothing, I just always wanted to screamed that. NOOOOOOOOO!" Harry said.  
  
"Okay, whatever, come on Harry, we're going to see the world championship Crackish games!" Ron shouted and running outside, and threw the goblet behind him and it wedged itself up uncle Vernon's ass. Harry followed Ron outside and saw 2 bikes there, so he sat on one and Ron sat on the other. Suddenly the bikes started moving forward without them even pedaling.  
  
"We can fly! We can fly! Ronny go home!" Harry shouted with joy. Ron pointed behind him and Harry looked back. He saw that they were attached to poles, which were attached to a car that was driven by Ron's brother. Harry blushed.  
  
They arrived at Ron's home and Ron's dad was waiting outside. "Hey Harry, boy, how ya doin? Anyway, it's morning over in Afghanistan right now, we should be going." Ron's dad said. So the three boys got off the car and bikes and followed Ron's dad to a hill in the back yard and sitting on a pedestal was an erect dildo. "Ever seen one of these before Harry?"  
  
"OH yeah, all the time, I love em!" Harry replied happily.  
  
"Uh, I meant my pocket watch. but if you wanna leave we can go. you know how to use a magic dildo?" He asked.  
  
"No, Sir." Harry replied embarrassed.  
  
"Okay see, you grip it real tight and rub it up and down to activate it, and after it gets aroused enough it'll transport you to the Crackish world cup! You try first Harry." Mr. Weasly said.  
  
Harry stepped up to the dildo, grabbed it, He smiled a perverted smile and started rubbing it up and down and started going really fast and started screaming.  
  
"HARRY!" Ron's brother shouted, "Don't show us you're enjoying it!"  
  
"Sorry" he said embarrassed. He started rubbing it more slowly, but still enjoyed it. Suddenly it started shaking, a white sheet shot out of the top, grabbed Harry and pulled him in. He was flying through a magical white world, it was better than getting high! (Probably because he had an orgasm a few seconds ago) He suddenly found himself standing in a field. Suddenly Ron, Ron's brother, Percy, and Mr. Weasly all appeared in the field.  
  
"Howd' you get here at the same time? Did you rub it together or something?" Harry asked. Ron started laughing. Mr. Weasly nudged him.  
  
"Let's go to the stadium shall we?" Mr. Weasly quickly said. They walked through the field and to the stadium, found their seats and sat down. Suddenly they saw someone run across the field screaming.  
  
"Who's that?" Ron asked.  
  
"Hermione!" Harry shouted.  
  
"Running across the field?" Ron asked.  
  
"No, that was professor McSmokeall with the new Verbraball in her pants. Hermione's running this way without her shirt on!  
  
"Hi GUYS!" she screamed and stood above Harry. "Isn't this great?" She asked as she bounced up and down. Harry's mouth was open.  
  
"I'll say," Harry whispered.  
  
"Who do you thinks going to win?" Hermione asked.  
  
"BOOBS!" Ron shouted.  
  
"What?" She asked.  
  
"He didn't say anything." Harry stuttered.  
  
"Okay, well then I gotta go, bye guys, see you at school later!" She hugged Harry and ran away. Suddenly there were cheers and they saw the players entering the field.  
  
"See that guy there?" Ron asked and pointed to a tall blonde naked player. "He's so HOT!" Ron squealed.  
  
"WHAT?!" Harry asked quickly.  
  
"I mean. heh... He's good!" Ron fixed his collar. The players picked up their bags of crack, snorted it, and were off. Everyone was roaring with laugher when an Afghanistan player was screwing himself with a stick. 2 players at the south end of the field were going head on, but both tripped over one another. More laughter was heard as an Afghanistan player was squatting in the middle of the field taking a dump. A player from Greece was coming up behind him, but the Afghanistan player moved, and the Greek player fell face first into the crap.  
  
Suddenly the announcer said "Because that shit belonged to Afghanistan, and a Greek player touched it, Greece wins!" More cheers were heard and everyone filed out of the stadium. Harry, Ron, Percy, and Mr. Weasly were in the same spot that they arrived when Mr. Weasly pulled a dildo out of his BACK pocket. They suddenly heard a bang and looked up into the sky and saw a 69 in bright letters.  
  
"Darn kids" Mr. Weasly laughed. They all rubbed the dildo together and when Harry arrived at his destination he was with Ron and Percy in the great hall of Hogthepot. People started arriving and talking about the Crackish game, most (even guys) were talking about how "hot" that guy was (his name was Crunk). At about 11:30 the first years came in and were sorted. It was amazing how many people were thrown out the window though. Smokesomemore then stood up to speak.  
  
"As you could see, it's amazing how many people aren't addicted to drugs anymore, that's why we encourage drinking, even though you're too young, because it makes you do some crazy shit and have kids who are also addicted and ruin all your precious lives! Anyway, we are going to start up a contest in which we haven't done in years. I can't remember the name of it though because I'm stoned, but yeah. 2 others schools are going to come here, one from Afghanistan, and one from Greece." Smokesomemore said. Suddenly there was a loud fart from outside and everyone ran to the windows to see what it was. They saw a cheese flying through the air (Greece) and a piece of poo gliding across the ground from Afghanistan (both are 100% natural products! Anyway) they filed into the great hall and sat down at their respective tables. "WELCOME!" Smokesomemore shouted. "Now, as you know we're hosing that thing that I can't remember what it's called. Now the 3 people chosen, one to represent each school are, Harry Pothead, Crump and that one slut right there because I wanna be nice to the author and not make him write more than he has to. Anyway, get up here people!" Harry Pothead and Crunk went up, but the girl just sat where she was. "I said come here, slut, you're playing!"  
  
"Me?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah, you! You're the only slut in here!"  
  
"But I."  
  
"Get up here, slut!"  
  
"My name is."  
  
"I don't care what your name is, I'm calling you slut! Now get your tiny little boobies up here!"  
  
"Excuse me!"  
  
"You're excused, now come here slut, you can walk that fat ass up here, come on"  
  
"But."  
  
"Yeah, you've got a big butt, I know, now come up here, come on slut, come on, you can do it. here slutty, slutty, slutty, come one!" Smokesomemore said. She grumbled in frustration. "Ooh, those ARE nice boobies aren't they?" He said and stared at her chest.  
  
"She may be hot, but she doesn't have the balls!" Malfoy screamed.  
  
"Actually I do." She turned around, dropped her pants and it turned out she was a she-male.  
  
"Oh dude that's the biggest.." Malfoy started.  
  
"Cock I have ever seen!" Ron finished.  
  
"Oh my god!" Smokesomemore screamed like a little girl. "Anyway, they're going to have to compete in 3 unknown challenges and the winner gets a lifetime supply of drugs! Anyway, Crunk, Harry, He-Slut, you may now return to your seats and let the drugging begin!" Drugs appeared on the tables along with a new drug, lotus leaves from the odyssey! (sorry, I'm reading that in English and my teacher was talking about how it's more addictive than crack.)  
  
"Are we supposed to chew this, smoke this, or sniff this?" Ron asked. Everyone shrugged. After the drugging, they went back to the common room and had their usual orgy with all the people in that dormitory. Anyway, the days passed and Harry was getting curious on what the first challenge would be. Relationships were growing, Hermione was in love with Crunk, Ron was in love with the he-slut and Harry was well. Harry was now a compulsive masturbator, but he did have his eye on the one known as Malfoy.  
  
One day Harry was walking to his 'so you wanna be a rock super-star' class when he saw a poster for the up-coming pool ball. The poster read:  
  
  
  
"Hey Druggies and Druggettes, come to the first annual pool ball, that's right, it's taking place in the 0- acre pool behind the school, but instead of swimming in water, It'll be filled up with shit, cum and piss from the faculty! Don't delay, get your dates now!"  
  
  
  
Harry smiled and went to class where they got implants and learned how to be like Britney Spears. Anyway, Hermione asked Crump to the dance and he said yes, and were falling in love, so they rubbed their breasts together whenever they met. Ron asked the She-male and it said yes, and whenever they met now, they rubbed their dicks together! Harry was. well Harry just kept masturbating to thoughts of Malfoy.  
  
It was finally the day of the first challenge. Harry went to the field and went to his respective dressing room and put on his favorite yellow Speedo. It was Crunk's turn first, so he went and Harry was locked in his dressing room she he didn't know what the task was. After 2 hours, the slut had obviously gone, and someone entered his room, it was professor McSmokeall.  
  
"Harry, your turn, your job is to get a sex toy from the basket in the fastest time. Good luck." She said as she was checking him out. Harry thought it was the easiest task he could possibly imagine, so he walked onto the field and saw the catch of this task. A pimp was guarding the basked of dildos and vibrators.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" he screamed. He ran to the basket, but the pimp thwapped him over the head with his cane.  
  
"ooow!" he squealed like a little woman. He tried multiple times and got thwapped each time. He saw Crunk in the audience with bruises all over his face which meant he had trouble too.  
  
Suddenly the pimp screamed "BITCH ATTACK!" suddenly all the women in the audience ran onto the field and started smacking Harry with their bras and panties. Suddenly he had an idea. He pulled off his Speedo and all the girls screamed at the tiny little prick of skin on his pelvic area. All the bitches ran away, and so did the pimp at first glance. Harry went and grabbed a vibrator and his time was registered.  
  
Everyone waited for the times. Then a voice was heard. "The winner of this game is.. The he-slut with a time of 5:12. Second place is Harry Pothead with a time of 15:22, and third is Crunk with a time of 1:53:42.  
  
"How'd you do it so fast?" Harry asked.  
  
"Easy, I ass fucked him and he let me through!" She-he said.  
  
"OH!" the boys replied. Anyway more shit happened during the year but I'm writing this in P.E. and I'm too lazy to write about that non-important stuff so let's just skip to the pool ball shall we? Sings let's do the time warp again  
  
Harry arrived late and everyone was already swimming. As he entered he saw a sign that said "clothes are forbidden." So he stripped down. He then saw another sign. "notice the p in the word Pool, please feel free to help us keep it this way. So he walked up to the body fluid-filled pool and saw Hermione.  
  
"Come on in, the fluid is warm and fresh!" she said. So Harry got in and enjoyed rubbing up against people's privates as he swam. He enjoyed the night and by the end the pool level had strangely risen 9 feet. Anyway, that's pretty much that happened there (thinks) yeah. that's all.. Okay. yeah  
  
The second task was at hand and Harry was summoned down, this time he would go first. He was forced to snort crack, just like he had done with Crackish. He was then pushed into the field and saw a huge pile of bodies. the ones that were thrown out the window, in fact. His job was to find the person that's alive still in the fastest time. Harry walked over to the pile of bodies, dove in, and swam around. Everything seemed to be moving, he thought that they were all alive, then he saw someone shout and swam over to him. It was malfoy. He grabbed him, pulled him atop the dead bodies and held him up. His time was clocked. Crunk found Hermione and the he-slut found Ron. Everyone awaited the results again.  
  
"The results are in. In first place is Crunk with 1:30. In second place is Harry Pothead with 3:45 seconds. And in third is the he-slut with 9:30 seconds."  
  
"Why weren't you faster?" Ron complained.  
  
"Because you're a fat bastard, I couldn't pull you up.  
  
"Shut up bitch!"  
  
"MAKE ME!" She said. Ron jumped on her and they had sex.  
  
Anyway, not much happened up to the third task, it just.. Was there. anyway, okay yeah. so let's go to the THIRD task now.  
  
The third task was simple, it was a huge hedge maze and the person to get to the center first wins. So they all got ready, and were signaled to go. They ran into the maze and ran around stupidly. At one point Harry saw Crump frocking a male model. oh what would Hermione say? Anyway, so he kept going and ran to the center and arrived at the middle of the maze. On a pedestal was another one of those dick keys. He started rubbing it but nothing happened. He then started licking it and was suddenly taken somewhere, but it wasn't where he was supposed to go! He was taken to the truth headquarters. Voldermort was standing there. He whipped around and smiled.  
  
"Welcome Harry Pothead, I'm so glad to see you again now that I have my full body. Now prepare to be un-addicted!" He quickly threw Nicotine patches at Harry, they stuck to him and he screamed in pain. Voldermort laughed hysterically. Her ran up to Harry with a super-sized patch, one that would totally make him lose his addiction for good. He was just about to put it on Harry when he stopped. He looked down at his mouth and saw a cigarette there. "How. how. NOOO!" he screamed.  
  
"Yes!" Harry pothead said. "The power of my love for cigarettes has done that to you! You can never take away nicotine from me!" Voldermort was blown backwards and vaporized. Harry pothead returned to Hogthepot and was rewarded with 1st place. Everyone got married, except for Harry, but you never know what will happen in books 5-7!  
  
  
  
  
  
Authors note: Okay, I hope you enjoyed that. It took me a while to write, I know. I will continue these stories as J.K. Rowling continues hers. So bookmark my story and check back when the other books come out. Happy Reading :D 


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